Mental Health and Pregnancy

As much as this subject may be a heavy one, I think it's very important to discuss.

Before my first pregnancy, I had no idea the complex emotions that pregnancy would induce.

There are many issues I have been fortunate not to face but also many that I've had to overcome.

This is my experience.

Me and Jay became pregnancy in last year, in June 2019 and it came as a massive shock to us but we were both extremely happy. Despite having conversations in the past about having kids together one day we never went through the process of trying to conceive.

I understand this process can be extremely nerve-wracking, painful and heartbreaking for many couples. It's certainly something I came to realise after announcing my pregnancy, which was unplanned. Even though I have never struggled with issues of infertility or the process of trying to conceive, it can be very painful for other women to have to hear about unplanned pregnancies or couples that conceive almost as soon as they start trying. I think it's important to be mindful of this, and the other issues I will discuss during this post.

Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is different from a miscarriage. I'd never heard of a missed miscarriage before so for those who don't know this is how they differ;

Miscarriage - "the spontaneous or unplanned expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently" - this is very medical but essentially a miscarriage will involve pain, bleeding, followed by the body expelling the fetus.

Missed Miscariage/Silent Miscarriage - "when a fetus is no longer alive, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue" - so essentially your body has no idea that the baby is no longer alive, and sometimes the placenta will continue to release hormones which will give you all the pregnancy symptoms.

This isn't something I never thought would happen to me. I didn't even realise how common it was and I certainly wasn't mentally prepared for what I was going to go through, which is why I will make a separate post going into detail of my experience in hope that it will educate others.

Obviously when I first got the news that the baby had to heartbeat at the 12 week scan, I was devastated and broken. I've never known pain like it. Everyone who experiences miscarriage will react differently and It's OK to be distraught or be totally fine. This is just my experience and how it affected me.

I went home and I cried for days. I was grieving. Grieving a loss of a child who's future I had planned out. I had chosen their school, made lists of names, even bought a few outfits. This was a person, we didn't even know existed a few months ago and now, they had left us feeling completely empty.

I spent the next week crying everyday, not leaving bed or eating, not knowing what to do with myself and feeling completely alone, while Jay had to work long shifts. The following week I had to go back to hospital to go through the process of inducing the miscarriage as it had not happened naturally.

In short (because I will make a separate post in detail), the hospital give you options of different ways you can expel the pregnancy, and I chose a method which unfortunately almost cost me my life. While this is a rare reaction, it's also something that can happen.

On top of the unbearable sadness, my experience and time at the hospital was very traumatic. After leaving the hospital, I experienced PTSD relating to blood, hospitals, childbirth, pregnancy and anything that triggered a memory of that experience.

This often brought on anxiety, panic attacks and disassociation.

For the first 2 weeks after leaving the hospital, I was unable to walk up the stairs, feed myself, and have the energy to focus on anything due to how weak my body was after the experience. The doctors did warn me I would be pretty much bed bound for 2-3 weeks but being at home on my own while Jay worked, and not being able to physically or mentally do anything to take my mind off the grief I was still experiencing was the hardest experience of my life and for the first time in my life I didn't see the point going on anymore. I had no idea how I would ever feel happy again or overcome this pain and I was extremely suicidal.

Now, I am a glass half full sort of person. I have never suffered with mental illness, and despite going through difficult experiences in the past, I've never felt I was unable to overcome any obstacle. Regardless, mental health issues can affect ANYONE. For some people, it's down to chemical imbalance in the brain or the interaction of multiple genes. In this case, individuals may suffer with these issues for years or all their life. Mental health issues can also be caused by environmental factors such as stress, abuse, or a traumatic event, which is when they can vary in length of time and happen to any individual despite not having experienced mental health issues in the past.

Jay came home from a night shift one day at about 6am and came upstairs to see my crying, sitting on the windowsill in the rain. After expressing his concern, I finally opened up to him and it really helped to unload how I was feeling.

Shortly before I found out I was pregnant, I was made redundant from a job that I loved as a Teacher for a private education/care company. the redundancy came just before the summer holidays which meant I was pretty screwed for work because no teaching jobs would open up until September. So on top of everything I was worried about money and paying bills, which only made me feel lower.

However one day, I was scrolling through the job boards on my phone and I decided I wouldn't apply for any jobs unless I really, really felt they were right for me. I didn't want to put too much pressure on myself because I knew I had to let myself get better first. I saw a job I knew I had to apply, left the house for the first time after the leaving the hospital 3 weeks earlier and luckily I got it! I had about a month to wait before I started and while I was excited and managed to recover physically and mentally, I did still have some days that were really hard and some days where I would break down.

Eventually I started my job and really enjoyed it, made some great friends, enjoyed going out more and enjoyed the challenges of the new role, but it was still difficult every month seeing pregnancy/birth announcements and baby shower/gender reveals. Anything pregnancy related was very triggering. One day, I got an invite to a baby shower while at work and I broke down crying. No one noticed luckily! But even months after the miscarriage, it was still very hard.

Unfortunately, if you are a woman who has experienced pregnancy loss, infertility or pregnancy related trauma, you can't escape the fact that pregnancy and birth are parts of life and unavoidable. It's OK to find it difficult. I think a lot of people assumed that months after my miscarriage, when I had started a new job, a normal routine and socialising again that I had got over what had happened but that was not the case... and I feel like many other women probably feel the same but have to return to normality. It's unrealistic to think someone will stay in the house crying over a traumatic event forever, people get on with it, but it does't mean they're over it.

The truth is I found the miscarriage very difficult, until I found out I was pregnant again.

As much as no new pregnancy can heal you from the trauma of pregnancy loss, it does give you hope and the happiness of a new pregnancy does provide some closure.

That being said, pregnancy after loss, poses many other issues. During this pregnancy, I have suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and the fear that I will go through what I went through last time. Which is why I've had multiple private ultrasounds during this pregnancy.

Hearing a heartbeat at my first ultrasound was so emotional, then finding out we are having twins felt like the most amazing gift. I felt like this was how it was always meant to happen and even though it might sound crazy to some, I feel like the baby that wasn't born last year, has just decided to be born now as well. I definitely became a lot more spiritual after the pregnancy loss which helped me try to make sense of why a miscarriage happens.

I read that the soul of a baby doesn't enter the body until seconds before they are born and when miscarriage occurs it just means that the soul isn't ready to be on earth yet, but can be around you until you do eventually give birth one day. I thought that was really beautiful and it helped me a lot. Also the video below helped me a lot and I think is a really great for anyone experiencing pregnancy loss, infertility, trying to conceive or just feeling like they aren't where they want to be at the moment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yiCMxp8Kw4&list=PL7u9xAjkRjyplu6LUPrqzlwxwxXGbyco5&index=3&t=0s

Despite my anxiety being extremely bad during this pregnancy, every scan, every milestone has alleviated some of the worries. Having scan photos to look at and now being able to physically see that I am pregnant and having a baby bump has made it easier, but doesn't mean that I am anxiety free.

After my first 2 private scans, I had a phone call with my midwife for the first time. Obviously we couldn't meet in person due to the effects of coronavirus. She asked how I was doing mentally and I expressed how happy I was, how lucky I felt every day, how magical this experience is, but I am still anxious occasionally. She seemed very concerned, especially when I mentioned panic attacks earlier on in my pregnancy. She expressed she wanted to refer me to a mental health specialist. I thought that was such a waste of time, I said I've never been happier in my life! Why would I need help with my mental health? Yes, I was anxious, but I was still happy! She said that anxiety could lead to depression if untreated and I agreed that if I was still experiencing problems with my anxiety I would seek some help.

Luckily, after many scans and each new week of pregnancy, I feel more and more excited and less scared. I truly do believe that this was the plan the universe had for me all along.

Don't get me wrong, every hospital visit is nerve-wracking, I'm still anxious but now it's less about pregnancy loss and shifted onto other things... like birth!!

After my experience, I was excited to announce my pregnancy on social media finally and post updates of my journey but I was also very aware with every post that there's going to be someone out there who sees them with a similar story to mine, or is experiencing infertility.

I'm so sorry if you ever have to go through anything like that and I'm always here to chat and offer support. Just send me a message 🖤

I wanted to make this post so anyone who has suffered anything similar to me can relate as I found speaking to other women about their experience of miscarriage/pregnancy after loss did help me. Additionally, I wanted anyone who hasn't even thought about pregnancy in their life (like me at the start of last year) to understand how complex the emotions are that come with it and how important it is to be compassionate when it comes to the subject. Don't ask women when they are going to have kids, why they don't have/want kids or think that pregnancy is a joke or a prank.

If you have are experiencing any mental health related issues or need help dealing with pregnancy loss or infertility, the following charities might be useful:

www.mind.org.uk - mental health charity

www.rethink.org - mental health charity

www.samaritans.org.uk - mental health charity

https://www.sands.org.uk/ - stillbirth and neonatal death charity

https://www.tommys.org/ - organisation offering help and support those who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and they also provide pregnancy health information to parents.

https://fertilityfoundation.org/ - charity providing IVF grants and support for individuals with fertility issues

*Disclaimer - these are UK based charities

I won't say 'I hope you enjoyed this post' as I know it's a heavy one, but one I've been meaning to make for a while. Sorry it's a long one but if you do want to reach out, my inboxes are always open to offer any support I can <3 xxxx